But the greatest of these is Love

*Trigger warning* This post is about love and loss.  It may cause tears.  Please don't feel obligated to continue if you don't feel like crying.  Also, if you're not a crier, don't feel bad if you don't cry.  The world needs all kinds <3

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“Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.”

1 Conrinthians 13:7

Ours is a love story.

The way Casey tells it, the night we met, he was sitting at a table at Baker's Street Pub when a gust of wind blew open the door and in I came with the cold January air.  All of the lights dimmed except the one that followed me like a spotlight all the way up to his table.  He couldn't believe it as he watched me come to his table and start talking to the friends that were there with him.  And then ... our eyes met and, lo, and behold, I sat down next to him. And the rest is history.  

The way I tell it is that I walked into Baker's Street and went up to his table because I was there to meet up with some friends who happened to be mutual friends of his.  I looked at him for a minute because I thought he was someone else.  Then I sat down in the open seat next to him. And the rest is history.  

My version is simple, quiet, and fairly straightforward.  His version is larger than life.  Something that draws people in and makes them pay attention.  Our differing versions are a reflection of us.  Me - quiet, not super noticeable, and pretty matter of fact.  Him - larger than life, something that draws people in and keeps them close by - listening.  

I have at times been the heroine of my story and at other times the damsel in distress, but Casey has always been the Hero.  Swooping in to save the day whether it's to fix something that's broken or soothe an aching heart.  Somehow, to him, I've always been the main character in his story.  Not just some girl, but the most important girl.  One that blew into his life with the wind.  

That was 21 years ago.  We met in January of 2005, got engaged December of 2005, and married October 2006.  Looking back at us at 23 and 24 getting married, I'm always a little breathless at the thought that not one person in our lives told us we were too young or moving too fast.  It was like from the moment we met, the people around us thought of us as Casey and Ashley, and we've been a unit ever since.  Balancing each other out like yin and yang.  

And those same people who were there the night we met and who stood in the overcrowded chapel when we got married are still the people who are around us now.  The ones encouraging us, helping us, showing up.  They've all been supporting characters in our story from the beginning.  

Our story is made up of moments: 

Sitting in the car until 4am after a night of dancing (and maybe a little bit of drinking *wink*); 

Getting sworn into and becoming part of the law enforcement family; 

Worrying for hours while Casey was at work and breathing a sigh of relief every time he walked through the door; 

Trying for years to start a family and suffering 10 miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy that required emergency surgery (I still have a picture of him the first time I told him I was pregnant because I wanted to capture the look on his face. We went on to lose that baby a few weeks later); 

Going through fertility treatments that failed and finally, finally having Silas via IVF. A process that caused me to be an absolute crazy person from the hormones and medication.  And Casey having to give me shots of progesterone in my butt and massage it so the oil would disperse (he didn't hate that part!); 

Waking up to a 4am phone call and learning that our friend, Scottie, had died. Watching Casey through his own heartbreak call Scottie's parents to tell them their son was gone and then watching him present flags to his mother, wife and daughters at the funeral - knowing, all the while, he could barely stand; 

Making the big decision to try IVF one more time when we had already decided not to but because we wanted to bring some joy into our world after the great loss of our friend; 

Having Collier whom we didn't even know how much we needed; 

Selling our home of 10 years to live in Sheridan for a week and a half; 

Hearing, "You have cancer."  

Never did I ever think that we would include cancer in our story.  Talk about a plot twist.  As a writer, I usually get to control the storyline.  Yet, here I am with absolutely no control over the plot or the ending. But what I cling to, is that I do have control over how the main character develops.  

I could write a character who becomes bitter and hateful as she reflects on and processes all of the ups and downs in her story.  I could write a character who lies down in despair and refuses to get out of bed as the world burns around her.  I could write a character who chooses to completely ignore her situation and live in denial.  Or ... I could write a character who does all of these things but who also stays present in every twist and turn.  Who gets angry at God and screams at him and looks around her wondering why us? Who thinks too much at times and cries so hard she may actually cry herself into a coma surrounded by snotty tissues.  Who goes about her days pretending that everything is normal and fine, doing household chores and errands as if not a care in the world.  And who acknowledges that all of these feelings are necessary and okay and so are all of the ones in between. 

This won't be a story where the characters are one dimensional and the plotline is linear.  This story will be convoluted and messy and a portrait of what it's like to live a human experience.  I refuse to bury my head in the sand and not feel every single emotion that God has given me the ability to feel.  I'm going to feel the anger, the sadness, the happiness, the joy, the overwhelm, the awe, the fear, the despair, the relief, and the hope.  No matter what, I know this story will have a happy ending.  That part is already written.  It was written the day we met.  The happy ending was in the beginning.  Nothing, not even cancer, can erase all of the love we have for each other or the love that those who have been there all along have shown us.  Yes, our story has some dark times, but the love has always been the main theme.  And it will continue to be until the words are written "The End", and even then, anyone who has read it will, I hope, carry the story of love with them.  

“Do everything in love.”

1 Corinthians 16:14

As one of the co-writers of our story, I pray that the love will endure and that others can take it with them to learn from it, aspire to it, hope for it, and never give up on it.  I pray that especially for our boys - that they find someone who loves them well.  A good story is one that the reader can see themselves in and take a little piece of it to keep.  I hope others will take a little piece of our story and keep it for their own.  And as they write their own story, they make it real and messy and all over the place, but that they also make it one of Love.  

“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

1 Corinthians 13:13